I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
