she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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