My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The beer is more important than you right now.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
