So drunk its hurt
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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