I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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