I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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