That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Text me some of your sweat
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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