I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
