Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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