Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
