I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
