Im at strip club and am horny
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
