He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
