??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
