the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
