life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
