bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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