Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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