drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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