I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
wakey wakey hands off snakey
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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