Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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