Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
