i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So much Jack, so little girl.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
