You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
