Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
