why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
