So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
