He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
