Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
