I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
