I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
