A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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