Me. At least after what I've been through.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
