Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
