He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
