You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
