I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
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