I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
