Kiss
Puke
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
