my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
