You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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