Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
