So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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