Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
