Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
