You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
