I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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