i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i now understand why vodka
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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