Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Say something about gay babies.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
