It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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