walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
