I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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